Kiss
Puke
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
