I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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