Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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