You're so nebulous sometimes
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
