I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I am midnight drunk by noon
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How does one acquire holy water?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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