According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I can't turn off my feet"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
