Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Still dying that you shit outside
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
