the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize