I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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