dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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