I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
