I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
