are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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