i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
my liver is dry heaving
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
