i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
