so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
