Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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