I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize