We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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