Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
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