we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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