I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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