I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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