if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
