im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
