I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
