If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
