If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
