I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
