At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize