I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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