the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
