Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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