I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
