Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
