my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize