If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
