I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
