I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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