just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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