You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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