Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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