Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize
