Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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