Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
