If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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