you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
