Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
she told me i tasted like america
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
