just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
