Your tits are I can't wait for
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
