Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
