I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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