I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize