god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
