Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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