His pubic hair was longer than his dick
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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