Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize