OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
