Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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