I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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