Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
