I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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