Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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