Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
