Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
