he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
