her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
