Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
