just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize