how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
